even the robots recommend shapewear

i asked chatGPT how to get dressed as a fat person

I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t possibly count the amount of times I’ve had a rooting, tooting, rip-roaring fuck-it-all type of meltdown while attempting to get dressed. I’ve written a lot about this before (here and here, for starters), and I often think about how the completely isolating, demoralizing feeling of not being able to find clothes to fit your body has been somewhat relieved by these modern times, an era where (some) brands deign to carry (some) plus sizes and we can find style inspiration (or commiseration) with a quick search on social media or Google. The other day, after a very comparatively minor meltdown about what to wear, I wondered what it might be like to take it one step further and ask ChatGPT for a solution. Surely the robots — free from the confines and restrictions of the corporeal form —have the answers… right? One hastily typed grammatically incorrect question later, and this is what I learned:

Let’s unpack this, shall we? The robot is in bold (for its bold ideas, of course) and my thoughts follow.

Dressing as a larger person is all about comfort, confidence, and style. Here are some tips to help you feel great in your clothes Ok, not no. There have been so many moments in my life where I wished, prayed, BEGGED the gods to let me feel this way, especially when I became interested in clothing as a young adult and also realized I was never actually going to “thin out” as my well-intentioned fifth grade teacher had promised. Shopping was basically never fun, and on the rare occasion I found something I wanted to buy, it never looked quite like I wanted it to look on my body. Whenever it was time to go out and do something, I’d dress and re-dress and take a break for hair and makeup and try to get dressed again, slowly degrading into a sweaty, anxiety-ridden mess. I cried, I raged, I wondered why something as simple as putting on jeans could trigger a referendum on all of my life choices up until that point, and make me feel like I was actually undeserving of going out and enjoying myself.

In other words, there was no comfort, no confidence, and no style to speak of, so I guess I agree with the robot here. However, I used the word fat when I asked the question — see how the robot subbed “fat” for “larger person”? Fat is a neutral descriptor, robot, and I just know that if you had eyes you’d be nervously glancing away from me right now.

Find the Right Fit: Fit is key. Don't try to squeeze into smaller sizes; instead, choose clothes that fit comfortably and flatter your body shape. Clearly, ChatGPT is unaware of the now and forever limited landscape of plus size clothing, nor is it conscious of the occasional necessity of squeezing. Still, I support the idea of clothing that fits comfortably, but “flatter my body shape” is conclusive proof that this robot is a boomer named Susan.

Choose Flattering Silhouettes: Look for clothing styles that accentuate your favorite features and minimize areas you're less comfortable with. For example, A-line dresses, empire waist tops, and bootcut pants can be very flattering. There’s that pesky “flattering” again. What the robot is really trying to tell me here, I think, is that I should choose clothing to conceal — there is absolutely no other reason to explicitly advise someone to wear an empire waist unless the subtext is “to hide your big fat gut.” Hilariously, every time I’ve ever worn an empire waist (the last time being sometime in 2014), someone has mistaken me for being pregnant. HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SHAME ME INTO HIDING MY UNBORN BABY, CHATGPT?

Opt for Structured Pieces: Structured garments like blazers, tailored jackets, and structured dresses can provide shape and definition to your body. So true, bestie: Without my stiff, structured blazers my gelatinous meatsack simply can’t hold its shape and I become whatever they were keeping alive in The Horror at Camp Jellyjam.

Balance Proportions: Balance your outfit by pairing fitted pieces with looser ones. For example, if you're wearing a fitted top, pair it with wide-leg pants or a flowy skirt. I do think that dressing proportionally and keeping the look in balance is a skill, but this feels more like classic dressing advice for a fat girl: You can show your titties, but keep the rest of it under the tarp of your choosing.

Invest in Shapewear: Shapewear can help smooth out your silhouette and give you added confidence under form-fitting clothes. I will simply never get over the absolutely brilliant marketing con that is “shapewear is actually a real confidence-builder and so therefore, fat people should wear it.” ChatGPT x Yitty when?

Embrace Layers: Layering can add dimension to your outfit and help you feel more comfortable. Try layering a cardigan over a top or adding a scarf or statement necklace to draw attention upward. Real ones know why this is a strict no-cardigan zone, but I did chuckle at the idea that this piece of advice is essentially, “Try to add some fabrics or jewels to distract from the fact that you’re a fat ass.”

Choose the Right Fabrics: Look for fabrics that drape well and have some stretch to them, like jersey knit, ponte knit, and spandex blends. Avoid stiff fabrics that can add bulk. Now you’re starting to contradict yourself, BOT. You just told me that I should add structure to my wardrobe to keep my body high and tight, and now you’re telling me to avoid them. Also questioning the idea that in order for something to be comfortable, it has to have a ton of stretch. What if it was simply…cut to fit? This point does remind me, though, of how much fabric has made a difference in how I feel in my clothing, even when I was a kid. I grew up going to Catholic schools and wore a uniform, but on picture days and holiday parties I was forced to dress like a tiny paralegal in the poly-blend stirrup pants and coordinating jackets my mom painstakingly located for me at the department store. I imagine her in her early 30s, spiraling as she was faced with having to dress her outsized elementary school student in Misses clothing, hoping she could locate something, anything that seemed vaguely childlike. Generally, I liked this clothing; being the only 10 year old in a full ensemble from the Kathie Lee Collection felt like a slay. Here I am, slaying in one of these looks, complete with the golden crucifix necklace I received for my first communion and made sure to wear on the outside so everyone knew just how very holy I was.

I still have this necklace, but I keep it in a jewelry box because I am no longer A) a Catholic or B) holy.

Unfortunately, adult women’s clothing wasn’t necessarily fabricated for sweaty recess romps and I have vivid memories of absolutely losing my shit at my desk, wishing I could trade in my sensible slacks and blouse for whatever breezy little dress my classmates were wearing, the cotton girlhood frocks they didn’t make in my size. I digress!

Accessorize: Accessories can elevate any outfit. Add statement jewelry, scarves, hats, or belts to personalize your look and draw attention to your favorite features. Once, when I was in college I had a panic attack because I became simultaneously overwhelmed by the pressure to add a belt to my dress to “create shape” but then also hated how the belt felt on my body and also realized that it was ugly, in fact. Anyways, I guess if you’re feeling porky you can wear a little hat.

Focus on Comfort: Above all, prioritize comfort. Choose fabrics that feel good against your skin and styles that allow you to move freely throughout your day. In the last bullet points of ChatGPT’s guidance, it finally seems to be making some sense. I’ll ignore the fact that several pieces of advice on this list stand in direct opposition to the mere whisper of comfort, and move on to the last one.

Confidence is Key: Remember, the most important thing is how you feel in your clothes. Wear what makes you feel confident and comfortable, and your inner beauty will shine through. Facts only, ChatGPT!!!

Clearly, the robots still have a ways to go when it comes to advising “larger people” on how to get dressed, and frankly, so does mostly everyone else. Still, there are elements of this exercise that made me feel like eventually (violently offensive corny pun incoming) we’ll all be programmed a little differently. Just for fun, I decided to give the robot one more prompt, just to see — something my younger self might like to read.

The writing is trash, but I do love this story.