5 low stakes topics I've thought about this week

no anxiety just vibes

I’ve let my brain wander a lot this week, for obvious reasons, the primary one being that the world is a raging dumpster fire. I sat down earlier in the week to try and write something meaningful, to say something with substance, to unpack a fat thing or a gay thing or a trauma thing, but the truth is even the heaviest things I write about feel like they pale in comparison to *gestures broadly* all of this. It’s a privilege to have a choice in the matter, to be able to remove my brain from certain conversations, to know that I’m safe and supported and that the events unfolding don’t impact my day to day. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the students and supporters who are protesting across the country in the face of rising tensions and violence, staring down the threat of being tased or sniped or otherwise assaulted by law enforcement empowered by the universities they attend, students who seem to understand that whatever they’re facing pales in comparison to the genocide playing out in Palestine. I also recognize that being a silly little person writing about your dumb little thoughts on the internet can cause some people, myself included, to wonder why or how they should ever contribute to that conversation, the important conversation, like your acknowledgment of it is net-meaningless or reveals you to be opportunistic or virtue signaling. How can you post about 34,000+ Palestinians dying at the hands of the Israeli government, then go back to posting a selfie or a meme or a picture of Zendaya having a gorgeously cinematic threesome (I heard that’s fake news, BTW)? How can you reconcile the endless social media chronicling of your treasures, trysts, and trifles and then earnestly pivot into a harder conversation without seeming like you’re just another clueless asshole? I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think the answer for me is that you do it because you can, because most of us are, in some small way, clueless assholes. But, we still have the privilege of being able to try to do our best, and therefore, we have no choice but to do so — to stay engaged, stay donating time and money, stay present in reality because we can. This is how I think of it for myself, anyways.

I did not mean to go on for so long (the headline promised NO anxiety JUST vibes), so from this clueless asshole just doing her best, here are 5 absolutely meaningless things I thought about this week.

Sabrina Carpenter

I am famously not a fan of anything. I don’t mean to say I don’t love certain music or movies or art or television, or certain singers or actors or characters — I’m just not the type of person who geeks out on seeing celebrities in real life. I don’t collect merch or memorabilia, and when I got to live shows I feel less “grip your face and scream” and more a sense of pride and admiration for how hard they must have worked to be able to get where they are and do what they’re doing. I love what I love, very deeply, but I rarely lose my cool about it. Until, that is, I learned about Sabrina Carpenter, about whom I have exactly zero chill. One week not too long ago, “Nonsense” kept playing on whichever Spotify mix I put on, so repetitively that I truly believe my spirit guides were trying to bring us together (respectfully) and the song’s outro made me laugh. I started watching some of her live performances and realized that she is the adult manifestation of who I imagined myself to be when I was a kid: though in my physical life I was bigger than everyone else in my class, awkward, lacking in grace and absolutely terrified of anything approaching flirty, my spiritual self was a 4’10 blonde with hair down to her ass, wearing a silly little dress and marching around on her tippy toes saying bratty things and making everyone pay attention to her. I was further delighted to learn that on her 2022 tour for Emails I Can’t Send, and then later during her stint on Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, and then just last week at Coachella, she changed the outro every single time she sang the song, usually to make a cheeky little rhyme about whichever city she is in. I assume that many reading this know exactly what I’m talking about, but for those who don’t, here is the original outro:

This song catchier than chickenpox is/ I bet your house is where my other sock is/ Woke up this morning, thought I’d write a pop hit/ How quickly can you take your clothes off? Pop quiz..

Cute, right?? CUTE! Well, if you liked that, here are some gems from her outros on tour:

When you go down under, do you miss me? / He’s so big, I felt it in my kidney/ Screamed so loud they heard it here in Sydney

SHE WAS IN SYDNEY AND SHE RHYMED IT WITH KIDNEY. Resisting the urge to grip my face and scream, is this what this feels like? And finally:

Man his knees so weak, he had to spread mine / He’s drinkin’ my bath water like it’s red wine / Coachella see you back here when I headline

SHE IS TALKING ABOUT BARRY KEOGHAN, WHO SHE IS DATING, WHO FAMOUSLY DRANK JACOB ELORDI’S BATHWATER IN SALTBURN. I’m basically the Elmo in flames meme at this point, and it’s not helping that just ahead of Coachella she released a new single called “Espresso,” all about being the object of someone’s addiction (like caffeine, get it???) and not really caring all that much, which adds a delightful bit of affirmation to my theory that Barry Keoghan is violently simping.

The lyrics offer exactly the sort of unencumbered voyage I like to take when I listen to a pop song, but don’t mistake my love for the trifling nature of the words for superficial interest: I take this very seriously.I pre-ordered this shirt:

If there are no 38 year old lesbians walking around New York City this summer wearing this shirt in a size 3X, I have perished.

Niko, the shitty husband from Killing Eve

Killing Eve first premiered in 2018, the same year that I finally, at age 33, realized I was a lesbian. The show didn’t spark my self-actualization, at least not that I realized at the time. I was still questioning whether or not I was gay-gay, or maybe bi, or maybe a just straight, in the end, but simply expressing the perfectly natural and heterosexual opinion that Jodie Comer is ruinously hot and it would be find if she kicked, stabbed, or choked me. I also remember thinking that Eve and Villanelle’s relationship was very special and functional and had a chance of working, which looking back was extremely gay of me.

Anyways, because I was so distracted and also because 33 years of compulsory heterosexuality had trained me to ignore the subtler toxic flaws of men, I don’t remember thinking much about Niko, Eve’s mustachioed husband. However the show was recently added to Netflix and I’m rewatching, and just a few episodes in it’s become clear to me that he is, in fact, the villain. His character, played brilliantly by Owen McDonnell, is the worst kind of Supportive Nice Guy, the kind that is actually motivated by his own insecurity and urge to control. In season 1, episode 3, Eve (Sandra Oh, being perfect) has to go to Berlin for work (a job that, might I add, she got because she’s very, very good at what she does). She video chats Niko back at home in England from her hotel room, only to discover that he’s having a dinner party with their friends, something that she’d totally forgotten about and that he didn’t remind her of. She says something like “Why didn’t you remind me? We could have rescheduled the party!” In response, Niko says “It’s been in the calendar for months” in the utmost condescending, disappointed tone. Here I will pause to reveal that in my search for a photo of this dick swab of a character, I came across a 2019 Change.org petition to write Niko off the show. It has 32 signatures; consider this newsletter #33.

Anyways, the moment Niko’s smug little mustache let Eve know she was a disappointment for missing the dinner party, I felt my blood jump to a boil. Imagine you have a hot wife with unbelievable hair, and she’s brilliant at her job, so much so that she’s been asked to support a special project that could potentially pull back the curtain on international corruption and a secret assassin squad, only to go out of your way to MICROAGGRESS UPON HER? It’s literally no wonder that Villanelle’s aggressive pursuit feels good to Eve and she slowly distances herself from Niko and his superiority complex and faux “concern” for her well-being. I actually shouted “YES BITCH DRAG HIS LIL MUSTACHE” from my bed when she says, “Sometimes I think ‘caring’ about me is all you have.” Meanwhile, Villanelle is equally as fire at her job, has a way better sense of style, and tells Eve exactly what she thinks and what she wants without an ounce of passive aggression, even if what she wants is to see what it’s like underneath Eve’s skin and possibly just murder her. THAT, my friends, is the gay agenda.

A $370 Bag

Unfortunately I can’t tell you which $370 bag I can’t stop thinking about — I’m sorry, I really am, to be a gatekeeper, but inventory on the website appears to be low and while I’ve already tried to make peace with the fact that I might not ever have it, I can’t actively be responsible for my own bagless existence. Just know this: It’s brown, it’s leather, I’ve thought about it for months, I know that to some people $370 is not a lot to spend on a bag but for me it seems wildly extravagant and also financially irresponsible, and I have at least episode per week where I load my credit card into the website and almost purchase it. Maybe one day I will, maybe I won’t. Maybe a $37 dollar bag will present itself to me and somehow be equally as appealing. I doubt it. Should I…get it? (No.) (But maybe?)

Vests

The irony is that for the amount of vest I’ve purchased in the last year, I could have easily afforded the $370 bag — but then what’s a perfect bag without a perfect vest? When I noticed vests were getting trendier (last year? the year before?) the gay in me LEAPT into action. I have five.

When I was a kid, vests were the kind of clothing I could only see as a punishment. Attending Catholic school, we had little vests that matched our tartan skirts, and in the winter we wore the sweater vest version. The fabric was unimaginably itchy, and every time I buttoned into one I felt like my body was encased in the manner of a bratwurst or kielbasa, both of which were coincidentally a notable part of my diet during that time in my life (I grew up with a Polish grandma in Cleveland and like Elisabeth Moss in early seasons of The Handmaid’s Tale, I have a birth name but due to external circumstances I am also Ofsausage. Anyways, I’ve carried absolutely none of that early childhood vest-related trauma into adulthood, where I will continue wearing vests with enthusiasm well into sexy middle age. Here are a few of my vests (see my vests!) and some links.

• Old Navy Tan Linen-Blend Vest, $39.99

• Eloquii Pin Stripe Vest, $47.47 with code EQPERFECT

• Eloquii Striped Linen Vest, $56.97 with code EQPERFECT

• J Crew Emilie Sweater Vest, $89.50

• ASOS Beaded Vest, $78

• The Drop Women’s Esma Linen Vest, $49.90

• Eloquii Linen-Blend Dainty Tie Vest, $47.47 with code EQPERFECT

Vests!

The Christian golfer who struggles with gratitude in tough rounds

Lately my Instagram algorithm has been serving me DOZENS of reels from Christian content creators. It was all fun and games at first: A trio of white moms in white jeans doing a coordinated dance in their white living room for the lord, for example. Cringe, but entertaining. Then there was the one of a couple at the altar, only instead of just standing there getting married like normal people, the wife was kneeling and swaying on the ground in front of her husband with her hands lifted up to him in worship while praise music absolutely rips on the speakers, and the text on the reel says something like POV: You worship GOD together on your wedding day, HE is your KING and the center of your marriage. Unclear on whether or not GOD or the husband is the KING in reference, but either way. Then for about a week I served a series of Christian himbo beatboxers/singers, all of whom record content from their car and alternate photos of themselves lip syncing for the lord with what I presume are supposed to be sexy gazes and winks at the camera, along with a caption that’s like “Looking for a Christian girl who will give me this smile for all of eternity.” Again, unsettling to me personally but not particularly notable. The last few days though, the Christian content has gotten extremely niche: I keep getting videos from Christian golfers offering advice on how to connect with Jesus when things aren’t going well on the golf course.

I don’t know why this is happening to me personally but I do wonder where the Lord will pop up on my feed next. Hoping for some Christian synchronized swimmer content, something like how to fight the devil while transitioning from Eiffel to flamingo with a team of transgressors.